The Islands Tool for Grief
by Jamie Rose
Even though we don’t really get a tangible change of season here in Los Angeles, I always feel a sense of hope and renewal in the fall that coincides with the start of the Jewish High Holy Days.
I was raised Jewish, and Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is a time when I like to reflect on the past—looking at where I did well, where I fell short, and how I’d like to improve. It’s also a time to mourn those I’ve lost.
My father’s sister, my dear Aunt Phoebe, died a month before Rosh Hashanah in 2019. Like Dad, she was warm, talented, generous, funny, and vibrantly alive. Also, like him, she died from complications of Alzheimer’s.
Her death triggered grief about my father and many others I’ve lost through the years. I realized long ago that it was important to feel the grief but not get stuck there. After all, there is no right without left, no happiness without sorrow, no day without night. Grief is the price of love.
Luckily, there’s a Tool to help during these times.
A TOOL FOR GRIEF EMERGES FROM THE FIELD
A number of years ago, I learned a Tool for dealing with loss from Judy White, a brilliant psychotherapist who also happens to be married to Barry Michels.
When she taught it to me, she said it came from Phil Stutz, but when I asked him, he said he didn’t recognize it but that it was clearly derived from a concept he developed to help patients deal with codependent relationships—what he calls “fusion.”
He didn’t know who had come up with this version and neither did Barry when I asked him. It seems The Islands Tool was sent to us directly from The Field!
While you can use this Tool on anything you feel attached to, it’s especially effective if your object of attachment is a person. It was very helpful to me when I was letting go of my marriage and also helped me grieve my father’s death.
THE ISLANDS TOOL
Picture yourself and your Shadow sitting together on a small island floating on the sea. On another island, a few yards in front of you, is the person you’re attached to. Your islands are connected by a thin strip of land.
Look at the person you've attached you with as much longing and desire as possible. Want them with every fiber of your being. You feel like you'll die if you can’t have them.
Sense that the current of the sea causes your islands to drift away from each other. As your islands move further and further apart, the strip of land connecting them begins to stretch. Finally, it breaks.
The other island on which your beloved sits continues to float away, looking smaller and smaller until it finally disappears over the horizon. You feel a tremendous sense of loss.
Turn your attention to your Shadow sitting next to you and give it all the feelings of desire and longing you felt for the person on the other island. You and your Shadow now feel deeply connected and whole.
Practice as often as needed. If you have questions about the Islands Tool or want to share your experience with it, join me on The Tools Facebook group, where you can ask me questions directly.
Jamie Rose is a therapeutic coach trained by Phil Stutz and has been practicing and teaching The Tools® for over 30 years. In addition to private coaching, she conducts women’s groups and Tools training sessions for coaches and longtime Tools practitioners. Learn more and contact Jamie at jamierosecoaching.com.
