Healthy Entitlement: How to Ask for What You Want
In this Q&A with Goop.com, Barry Michels speaks about why asking for what we want is hard for some people, and what to do about it.
QUESTION: Can you explain what healthy entitlement is?
BARRY: Let’s start with what I don’t mean when I use the word “entitlement.” Usually we associate that word with an obnoxious Hollywood player who screams at their assistant or a politician who acts as if they’re above the law. That’s unhealthy entitlement—a kind of overbearing narcissism.
Healthy entitlement is the sense that you have the right to want things, even if you might not get them. We all have certain basic things we want: to be treated with respect; to be told the truth rather than lied to; to get support—emotional and logistical, like having kids and spouses clean up after themselves, etc. Whether you actually get these things is a separate issue, but healthy entitlement is the sense: “I have a right to want them.”
Here’s what happens when you don’t feel entitled to these things: either you don’t ask for them and end up doing everything for everyone; or you do ask for them but nobody listens because deep down you don’t believe you have a right to ask. Disentitled people often seem sweet and generous on the surface, but underneath they’re seething with frustration because they never have any real impact on the people around them. Deep down, they feel invisible.
Q: In your experience, do men struggle with this as well, or does this seem to be a uniquely female problem?
BARRY: I’ve definitely treated men who lack a strong sense of entitlement—I’m someone who’s had to work on it. That said, at least in my practice, it’s much more prevalent with women. My theory is that although our society isn’t as overtly sexist as it used to be, I think women are still socialized to serve rather than to deserve.
It’s been an education for me as a male therapist to learn how many women are sexualized and taught, from an early age, that what men want is more important than what they want. It’s not usually said in words, but it’s acted out around them, definitely in the culture and sometimes in direct experiences. It’s shocking to me, but I would say 50 to 60 percent of the women I treat have been molested or suffered from incest at some point as children. They grew up with the sense that they weren’t entitled to say no to men.
One of the reasons it’s so important for women to develop a sense of entitlement is so they pass that onto their children, both boys and girls. We need to let all children know that women don’t exist for the gratification of men.
Q: How do you gain a sense of entitlement?
BARRY: Start by asking for things you want but don’t normally ask for. If you don’t like the food at a restaurant, send it back. If you don’t like the way someone in your family is behaving, say something about it. You don’t have to raise your voice or punish them, just say, “I don’t like the way you’re behaving right now,” and walk away. You’re not doing it to get them to change, you’re doing it to get comfortable with expressing what you want.
Another classic example: If someone’s interested in you romantically, and you’ve been stringing them along because you can’t stand hurting their feelings—tell them the truth. Or if someone’s talking in the middle of a movie, ask them to pipe down. There are a million everyday things you can do to ask for what you desire.
Q: That doesn’t sound easy for someone who’s not used to asking for what they want?
BARRY: Exactly, and we want to use that to our advantage. If you’ve been disentitled your whole life, asserting what you want will feel like you’re turning into that Hollywood power broker or the obnoxious politician. That’s why you should start with small things and expect to feel selfish, imposing, arrogant, etc.
That bad feeling is what Phil and I call a “Reverse Indicator.” It’s a bad feeling that indicates that you’re changing your life in a good way. If you’ve been a pushover your entire life, asserting yourself will feel like you’re becoming obnoxious—so that bad feeling has to be labeled and acknowledged as a positive thing.
Every single day, you should be asking for things you don’t normally ask for. When you feel like you’ve done something terrible, say to yourself, “That’s good, I hit my mark today.” And if you get to the end of any given day and you haven’t felt selfish or obnoxious, tell yourself, “I messed up. I have to recommit to my homework tomorrow.”
Q: Does that bad feeling eventually go away?
BARRY: Yes, it does, just the way you can make a phobia go away by repeatedly desensitizing yourself to the thing you’re afraid of. But there’s also a Tool that helps it go away, and more importantly, the Tool develops entitlement into an enduring, inner force that you can call upon at any time. The Entitlement Tool works with the idea that the universe actually wants you to have a healthy sense of entitlement.
There are three steps to using the Entitlement Tool:
Think of something you want. It doesn’t matter what it is: a Porsche, time to yourself, a nice garden, etc. When you are fully in touch with your desire for this thing, let go of the thing and keep feeling the pure desire. (This might take some getting used to, because we usually associate desire with the thing we want—but the more you practice, the easier it will be.) Say to the universe, “I WANT,” and imagine that the universe likes that; it smiles at you.
Remembering that the desire is pure—it’s no longer about a particular thing—intensify the desire so it becomes a demand. Say to the universe, “I DEMAND.” Imagine that the universe is even happier—noticing you even more.
Intensify the feeling even more so that it becomes: “I DESERVE!” Imagine that the universe is ecstatic, embracing you. It’s as if you’ve passed the test and you qualify to be a citizen of the world, fully aware of your rights.
At first you’ll need to practice with this, but when you get good at it you can do it in 5 to 10 seconds. I recommend people use the Entitlement Tool as a pro forma exercise, like when they wake up in the morning and when they go to sleep at night. I also recommend they use it whenever they are having a hard time asking for what they want. (You can use it right before you make one of the small “asks” I described earlier.)
Read more about Healthy Entitlement in this related article on Goop.com.
