Getting to Know Your Shadow

by Kristan Sargeant

Shadow Work is incredibly productive, but it can be challenging to get the hang of it. Here’s a framework to help you build a bridge to this intangible, yet endlessly rewarding dimension of the Self.

WHAT IS THE SHADOW AND SHADOW WORK?

The Swiss psychologist Carl Jung first coined the term Shadow to refer to the hidden, dark side of the human psyche. I think of the Shadow as an archetypal figure that lives in the unconscious and stores the unwanted, unprocessed qualities of the Self, including the life experiences we ignore in order to survive. 

Everyone has a Shadow. (In fact, we actually have more than one.) Everyone also has an Ego, or a conscious identity that rejects the Shadow. When the Shadow is suppressed by the Ego, it has no choice but to make itself known by “acting out,” projecting itself onto the world and others or wreaking havoc like a child throwing a tantrum for attention. 

Shadow Work is the process by which the Ego chooses to accept and integrate the Shadow. Until that happens, we are at odds with ourselves—a house divided. In a nod to the awesome power of the Shadow, Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” In addition, Shadow Work is a foundational Tool that amplifies and enhances every other Tool in your chest.

WHY SHADOW WORK IS WORTH IT

My huge love for the Shadow is twofold: first, I love me an underdog. And, second, it has always seemed clear to me that the Shadow is a hidden goldmine. Embracing your Shadow is a way to leverage the latent power in yourself, a power that is universally available, relatively simple to tap into, and costs nothing except a little tolerance for discomfort. 

Oh, there’s a third thing. Deep in my bones, I believe unearthing our individual Shadows is an antidote to a collective propensity to blame and scapegoat others. In my opinion, the Shadow is a universal right and responsibility, and a key to self-regulation and flow.

I have supported Shadow Work in a wide variety of personalities and types: hedge fund managers and real-estate moguls wanting to enhance their performance; actors and writers aiming to dig deeper; and all manner of seekers looking to heal their hearts, mend relationships, and live up to their potential. In all cases, no matter how “left-brained” and rational or “right-brained” and creative the person, Shadow Work pays dividends.

Here are some inspiring stories of patients I have worked with to find this most sacred, elusive figure inside them. These are some of the tangible payoffs for those who have found the courage, stamina, creativity, and patience to engage their Shadow: 

• An athlete in a slump set a series of new personal records when he invited his Shadow into his workouts.

• A fund manager raised an unprecedented ten-figures when his Shadow helped him learn to disappoint others.

• A writer overcame her block, wrote an inspired book proposal, and garnered 6 figures for her first book by heeding her Shadow’s daily requests.

• A writer with a slew of success under her belt but no projects on the screen scored A-list talent for her long-shot feminist screenplay by bravely awarding her Shadow the 4-hour workday it desired.

• A left-brain-dominant tech start-up executive with several successful exits on his resume but a soul hankering for meaning learned to submit to his Shadow and create magic beyond money.

• A young woman whose husband left her at the beginning of the pandemic allied with her shame-laden Shadow, and in repairing that bond, repaired her relationship. 

I have witnessed story after story like this and am humbled by the power, energy, resourcefulness, and clarity the Shadow avails. Whether you call it a psychological construct or the divine aspect of the human being, the Shadow is a game-changing Tool for connecting with your unrealized intelligence and dormant life force.

HOW TO WORK WITH YOUR SHADOW

It takes a real imaginative leap and continued wholesale effort to effectively connect with your Shadow. As modern beings, we are inheritors of a scientific bias that privileges logic and the quantifiable and works against forging a relationship with the mysterious, fluid, symbolic, poetic Shadow. 

Shadow Work won’t yield much if you bring the critical analysis of the left-brain and Ego. In order to reveal itself and divulge its myriad gifts, the Shadow requires an attitude of openness, curiosity, humility, and faithful attention. You must find a way for your Ego to suspend judgment and disbelief in order to legitimize and animate this alienated part of the Self. 

As you set about forming a relationship with your Shadow, here are some things to keep in mind: 

• Think of the Shadow as a separate being living inside you with its own consciousness.

• Like any relationship, it takes time to build authentic connection and trust. Because the Ego has historically rejected the Shadow, it may take some courtship and consistency to break through.

• It’s normal when you first start working with the Shadow to be unclear as to whether you’re manufacturing the Shadow’s responses or the Shadow is actually speaking. Just persist. With consistency and sincere effort, there will come a day when you hear the Shadow speak in its own voice.

• The Shadow cares most about consistency and effort, not quantity of time invested. 

• Trust your instincts as you go. Working with the Shadow is an intuitive process that will come more easily as you show up to it. There is no right or wrong. 

3 STEPS TO VISUALIZE YOUR SHADOW 

1. Bring to light someone in your life who judges you harshly. Imagine this person gazing at you derisively. In front of them, you are naked. They see everything that is wrong with you. They are actively judging you.

2. Now take up their perspective. What do they see? What do they think about you? How do you appear to them? Connect with the bad feelings you experience in this person’s presence. Be brave and do an honest accounting. This will help crystalize your Shadow. 

3. Once you really feel the feelings, push them out in front of you and give them a face and figure that looks like a version of you, a lesser version. What do you see? Notice as much detail as possible. This is your Shadow.

It’s okay if this doesn’t work the first time. As you practice inviting your Shadow in, it will be more willing to reveal itself. Don’t give up. This part of you desperately wants to be seen and known by you.

DAILY PRACTICES TO CONNECT WITH YOUR SHADOW

JOURNALING

Take some time first thing in the morning to connect with your Shadow every day, ideally before you pick up your phone. It can be for as little as one minute and just a few sentences. What matters to the Shadow is consistency and effort. Effort means showing up with sincere curiosity and humility. You’re here to get to know a part of yourself you’ve kept in the dark.

Use this time to ask open-ended questions like: What do you want me to know about your experience? How has it felt to live inside of me? How do you feel treated by me? What do you want me to see? To know? What do you want to show me? How can I take care of you? Protect you? What do you long to express? How have I made you unsafe? What can I do to earn your trust? What can I do TODAY to demonstrate that I value you? Use your intuition to customize and expand on these questions.

CHECK-IN TWICE A DAY

Pick two times to do a quick check-in with your Shadow each day. Set reminders on your phone, for example, at 11:00am and 4:00pm. A check-in is simply acknowledging your Shadow’s existence.

The spirit of the check-in is to include the Shadow in the here-and-now, hence conveying that you want them in your life. That’s enough. If you have more time you can elaborate: Tell them they’re not inconvenient for you and that you want them to take up space. Ask them how they’re doing and if they need/want anything from you.

SAY GOODNIGHT

Connect with your Shadow last thing at night when you’re in bed and falling asleep. Again, simply acknowledge their presence. Ask them how they’re doing and if there’s anything they need/want from you. If it feels important, you can apologize to them for silencing them most of your life and not trusting them.

You can tell them you’re committed to doing better; committed to getting to know them and learning from them. Let them know you now understand they are an intelligent, vital part of you and you cannot fully lead your life without them. You can invite them to speak to you in your dreams if you’d like.

Kristan Sargeant is a coach, therapist, and three-time TEDxWomen producer. She works with individuals around the globe, helping them find the courage, creativity, and willpower to realize their potential. She offers small Shadow Groups for adults and adolescent girls. You can learn more and contact her at kristansargeant.com

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